


what should have been

by wordlocker



Series: every vixx pairing [8]
Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 23:49:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5763625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordlocker/pseuds/wordlocker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sanghyuk’s dream - the brightest one - had always been hakyeon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what should have been

**i.**

 

_N hyung is like an annoying girlfriend._

 

It’s what Sanghyuk had said in reply. It’s what was expected of him, after all. He’d been taught early on to never stray from the standard, predictable answer. It’s what you should do if you want to be an idol. And somewhere along the bumpy seventeen years of his life, it had turned from being a distant dream into something he wanted to be.

 

So it was what he answered.

 

In truth, it was a gross stereotype.

 

If he were to be exact, Hakyeon was his first – first mentor, first pseudo adoptive parent, first true leader, first aspiration, first love.

 

Hakyeon was also his first heart break.

 

Sanghyuk remembered the moment they met, that fiery look in Hakyeon’s eyes as he introduced himself. Sanghyuk wasn’t scared of much, but it was the single most terrifying thing he’d ever faced. Not being reprimanded for messing up the dorm, or having junk food for dinner, but that spark of attraction so out of the blue it left Sanghyuk dazed throughout the night.

 

Then, at first practice, when Hakyeon had patiently showed him the choreography (something conveniently cut out of the reality show), his voice melodic and soothing, that spark catches wind and flares into something more.

 

Neither him nor his sister were touchy feely, so it took real effort for Sanghyuk to get used to how tactile Hakyeon was. Not to mention feeling like needed a good douse of ice water every time their skin made contact. Hakyeon had always been warm to the touch, his hands buttery smooth and soft when he squeezed Sanghyuk’s cheeks or when he clung to Sanghyuk’s arm. Sanghyuk felt the heat searing him from the inside out, breath catching in his windpipe when Hakyeon tackled him into a hug.

 

And when elimination began, and familiar faces had to leave even as Sanghyuk stayed, and the wordless animosity and hurtful indifference nearly suffocated him, Sanghyuk retreated into himself, a secluded mess of stress and expectation at the back of the practice room. Hakyeon was the first to come to him, a weary body that leaned into him under the pretense of annoying the maknae. Hakyeon’s solid weight against his and the low rumble of his incessant whining were the only things keeping Sanghyuk from bursting into tears and running back home.

 

It made sense that Sanghyuk’s harmless crush turned out to be more of a blazing flame of adoration. Debuting at all felt like a dream, debuting with Hakyeon meant getting caught in a nightmare. Living in close quarters and constantly getting an eyeful of the object of his affection in various states of undress and/or rumpled from sleep or intense workout and dance practice was, in essence, Sanghyuk’s own personal hell. Not to mention the constant hugging, hand-holding, and face-touching that Hakyeon subjected him to on a daily basis. Sanghyuk couldn’t decide what was worse – Hakyeon doting on him on camera or in private, where he was less intense but more _genuine_ about it.

 

Being in the industry also meant rubbing shoulders (or at least sharing the same backstage) with some of the most attractive people in the country. The members, level-headed as they may be, were a bunch of hormone-driven guys after all. If they weren’t talking about that particular step in the choreography somebody (Jaehwan, it was almost always Jaehwan) kept screwing up, they were talking about the ridiculously short shorts that one girl group walked around in, or how pretty that certain female idol was up close. Sanghyuk kept his eyes and ears on Hakyeon at times like these – as if knowing what he liked or found sexy could somehow help with the massive, all-consuming crush.

 

All it took was one conversation at the near end of their debut promotion, really.

 

“Damn,” Hakyeon sighed, leaning back as they watched a senior male group perform through the shitty television in the shared waiting room. His voice was kept low enough to only be heard by their own members, huddled closely on the squishy couch. “I’d let him push _me_ up against a wall and have his way.”

 

Sanghyuk’s head snapped up, successfully dislodging Wonshik’s sleeping head on his shoulder. He looked around in alarm, but Jaehwan and Hongbin were just laughing tiredly. If it wasn’t for the exasperated look on Taekwoon’s face, Sanghyuk would’ve thought he’d dreamt it up. Hakyeon had only ever talked about his ex- _girlfriends_ \- two of them, but it looked like the only person who wasn’t aware he swung both ways was Sanghyuk.

 

A short stab of betrayal pricked at his insides, but it quickly gave way to something that felt stupidly like hope.

 

It was that hope that crashed down onto him when his world fell apart mere months later.

 

*

 

It was stupid. Sanghyuk was an extremely intelligent kid and he knew it was stupid. Not a shred of his being wanted to stop himself, though.

 

They were alone in the practice room when he’d brought it up. Hakyeon was sweaty from dancing, golden skin gleaming in the harsh lighting, and Sanghyuk hurts from recognizing how beautiful he was.

 

“Hyung.”

 

Hakyeon hummed, not looking up from the screen of his ipod. Sanghyuk knew he was listening only by the way he shifted so their shoulders were touching. 

 

“Can you teach me how to kiss?”

 

Hakyeon blinked before looking up at his face, brows furrowed. “What?”

 

“I don’t know how to,” Sanghyuk said as levelly as he can manage. “Can you show me how?”

 

Hakyeon’s face is still as composed as before, but his voice cracked at the end when he spoke again. “Why would you want to know that, Hyukie-ah?”

 

Sanghyuk shrugged, slipping in extra petulance in his tone. “I just wanna. Please, hyung?”

 

For a moment, it really did seem like Hakyeon was thinking about it, eyes mildly glazed over and lips parted just so. Sanghyuk wished he’d had the balls to kiss him right then and there where all the members, staff, and God could see.

 

“Sanghyuk,” Hakyeon began, heaving a resigned sigh. “Maybe you should ask Jaehwan. He’s had more…practice than me.”

 

Sanghyuk shook his head and hoped he didn’t look too much of a puppy doing it. He didn’t want Hakyeon to see him as only a cute younger brother, especially not now. “No, no. It must be you. I just – I only want you. To help me.”

 

Hakyeon’s next breath out was shaky, his eyes avoiding Sanghyuk’s, his expression pained. “I don’t think I can – I can’t do that to you.”

 

Sanghyuk frowned, even more of a brat now that he’s started to feel embarrassed about asking for it. “I said I _want_ you to—”

 

“Well, I don’t!” Hakyeon roared, the fierceness he only reserved for practices and rehearsals flaring out. “I don’t want to. So drop it.”

 

Sanghyuk’s heart cracked in the chest that suddenly felt icy cold. He ran off to the bathroom in shame, and when he came back for another dance practice Hakyeon was his usual self, smiling and laughing until the music started and leader N took over. If he started to touch Sanghyuk less and less, he pretended not to notice.

 

*

 

Sanghyuk knew all of them thought VIXX would work. Everybody, even the most guarded member (Hongbin), anticipated the tiny spark they made in the industry would catch and grow to be an inferno – kicking ass, amassing fans, and winning awards. Six fresh-faced, energetic young men with all the drive and diligence in the world, it only made sense.

 

But the world didn’t revolve around logic and theory, and so after grueling months of training, performances and reality show recordings, blinding camera flashes and ear-splitting screams from the tiny fanbase they had, hundreds of ridiculously colorful outfit changes and two peppy singles barely making rounds on the radio, their tiny spark fizzled out.

 

Half of them were crying after the CEO’s announcement and Sanghyuk’s pretty sure Jaehwan had bitten his lip bloody from trying to keep the tears contained. It wasn’t like they hadn’t felt it in their bones weeks ago, but to hear the word _disband_ from the person who’d practically raised them the last few months ( _years_ in most cases) was , in short, devastating. Hongbin and Sanghyuk, the only ones with bone dry eyes, looked at each other in silence as the sobs ring through the room. Hongbin looked angry, angrier than Sanghyuk had ever seen him, but Sanghyuk guessed it was all directed at himself. Some part of Sanghyuk blamed himself, too. If only he’d practiced harder, if only he’d had better vocals, if only he’d jumped higher and ran faster. If only.

 

Hakyeon’s arms were full with a crying Wonshik, and Jaehwan was holding Taekwoon’s shaking shoulders. Sanghyuk realized that they were going to be doing relay hugs soon, the company people having left them to take it all in, in the room they’d poured their sweat and blood in. Hakyeon moved to hug Taekwoon next, hands going up to stroke the space made by his broad wingspan. Sanghyuk waited for his turn with baited breath, and when Hakyeon wrapped his arms around him, Sanghyuk’s only thought was that he _fits_ , his body slotting against Hakyeon’s seamlessly. He felt selfish, for not being immersed in the grief like the others were. The heavy block of sadness pressing on his chest was mostly fear of losing Hakyeon like this, drifting apart like broken families did. His members were mourning over shattered dreams, and Sanghyuk’s dream – the brightest one, at least – had always been Hakyeon.

 

*

 

They’d asked two of them to stay. Taekwoon to be rebranded as a solo artist and Wonshik to keep writing and producing, maybe even help with the choreography of their other trainees. They wanted Hakyeon, too, as a permanent part of the choreography team, but he said no.

 

“I don’t think I can – I don’t want to go through everything all over again,” he said when he declined the CEO’s personal offer.

 

The company let Hongbin, Jaehwan, and him go, and deep down Sanghyuk wondered if they were simply not good enough. Jaehwan had his voice, and enough talent to keep doing music in some form, for sure. Hongbin had his looks and acting – maybe he could model or act. Sanghyuk had virtually nothing to his name save for months of intensive training that left him more scars and aches than his ruthless growing pains had. 

 

The day before they empty out the dorm was the day Sanghyuk decided to take a leap off the edge one last time. He’d lost his career – short-lived as it was, he wasn’t about to lose the love of his life as well. And maybe now that they were free from public scrutiny and company policies, Hakyeon and him could work.

 

Sanghyuk was dumb enough to not account Hakyeon’s feelings for him.

 

“Hyung, I need to tell you something.”

 

Hakyeon looked up from zipping his last luggage shut, a faint and weary smile on his face. Sanghyuk plucked up his courage and sat right in front of him on the floor, their kneecaps brushing.

 

“What is it?” Hakyeon asked when Sanghyuk tried and failed to start talking for the third time.

 

“I think I’m – I love you, Hakyeon hyung.”

 

Hakyeon’s eyes soften, and he reached out to ruffle Sanghyuk’s hair like the countless times he’d done before. “I love you too, you brat,” he chuckled. “Let’s keep in touch, okay?”

 

“No,” Sanghyuk said firmly. Hakyeon watched him warily, no longer touching him. “I meant I’m – I’m in love with you. Hyung, do you think we can—”

 

“No,” Hakyeon cut him off, shaking away the hand Sanghyuk hadn’t noticed had fallen on Hakyeon’s forearm. “I’m sorry, Hyuk. That’s never going to happen.”

 

Sometimes Sanghyuk forgot how cutthroat Hakyeon could be, because he was never personal about it, always maintaining that edge only for the team. He needed to keep reminding himself that there wasn’t a team anymore. Hakyeon wasn’t his leader any longer, and perhaps Sanghyuk no longer deserved his care and affection. It hurt, excruciating pain blooming from the pit of Sanghyuk’s heart throughout his entire chest, his limbs numb from it.

 

“But,” he paused, trying to search Hakyeon’s face. He came out empty. “I’ve always loved you, hyung. I thought that maybe – maybe you like me, too, and we can be together—”

 

“I’m sorry if I made you feel that way,” Hakyeon said, his voice wobbly underneath the resolve. He didn’t avoid Sanghyuk’s gaze and it hurt even more. “I like you, Sanghyuk, but not that way. You’re too young, and I can’t – you’ll find someone else more deserving of your love.”

 

Hakyeon had used his calming voice but every word he uttered was grating. Sanghyuk really couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t good enough for the company, so he certainly wasn’t good enough for Hakyeon. Tears stung his eyes, and Sanghyuk wiped them away angrily with the back of his hand, his head ducked. He felt Hakyeon’s fingers carding through his hair, and a sob escaped from him. Hakyeon’s damp breath tickled his skin before he felt a pair of lips pressed against his forehead. Dazed and helpless, Sanghyuk raised his chin and rushed upward, catching those lips with his own. 

 

The kiss lasted for all of two seconds, Hakyeon’s mouth dry and soft, before he was shoved away. Hakyeon looked apologetic, but he didn’t apologize, and Sanghyuk felt the smallest he’d ever felt as far back as he remembered. If he thought Hakyeon dodging his touch was awful, this was torture – feeling so bereft even as Hakyeon kept staring at him, Sanghyuk supposed with disgust. A stupid kid forcing a kiss on him after he’d clearly said he wasn’t interested. Sanghyuk would be disgusted, too.

 

“Please don’t think –” Hakyeon hesitated, his eyes glinting. Sanghyuk wouldn’t delude himself by thinking it was out of grief. “I will always love you, Hyuk-ah. You need to remember that. But we can’t be together. I’m so sorry.”

 

Sanghyuk nodded, because it was the only thing he could do, and he gathered his knees to his chest, turning away so he didn’t have to watch Hakyeon leave.

 

Hakyeon was the first person to break Sanghyuk’s heart, but he left in it a Hakyeon-shaped hole that stayed intact for years to come.

 

 

**ii.**

 

Hakyeon loves helping out at the restaurant, despite his mother insisting that his free time be dedicated to sleeping in and resting. The chatter in that space makes him smile, and he likes to think his sunshine-like personality and charming grins are what make them so popular. After all, it’s an extremely rare instance that a customer recognizes him as VIXX’s N. Hakyeon finds that he likes that – that people like him as Cha Hakyeon, semi-professional server and kitchen helper.

 

When he’s not at the university or at home, he’s in the dance studio, always after hours. He likes the quiet when he dances. It reminds him that just because he isn’t doing it in front of an audience anymore, doesn’t mean that he isn’t still good at it. The silence makes it easy for the memories to come barraging back, though, and Hakyeon feels the yearning physically, wanting to hear his friends’ rambunctious laughter and asinine conversations, itching to hold them in his embrace again.

 

Training and performing with VIXX will always be the brightest days for Hakyeon.

 

He keeps tabs on them via Hongbin, even though it isn’t difficult to know what Wonshik and him are up to these days. Hakyeon doesn’t read them anymore, but fashion magazines are Hongbin’s media now, the runway his stage. Hakyeon teases him about getting booked for jobs even with his short legs, and Hongbin threatens to email incriminating photos he’d taken at the dorm and in waiting rooms to his students. Wonshik’s practically a superstar, making names across the country and even internationally with his music, and Hakyeon buys them all, choking with pride at how good he’s become. Taekwoon remains on stage for a while, before disappearing into behind the scenes, still writing music and singing but only for a select few – he’s a vocal trainer (a famous one, Hongbin assures). Jaehwan teaches, arts and music, and is apparently the hottest teacher in the whole city, based on the number of schoolgirl posses he’s collected.

 

And Sanghyuk. Hongbin doesn’t need to tell him either, because Sanghyuk is a bigshot movie actor, famous enough to have a massive following of fans, a number that which they’d never even dreamed of having when they were VIXX.

 

Hakyeon thinks about their last day together often. His heart twinges in pain every time he does. His guilt is the only sensation that can mask his heartbreak, wishing that he had been more careful, wishing that he didn’t have to see that broken look in Sanghyuk’s eyes. The fact is, Hakyeon was careless – thinking it wouldn’t hurt to touch Sanghyuk again, more and more, because he was always touchy feely anyway, but he was also greedy – wanting to feel Sanghyuk’s skin on his fingertips, his large hands in Hakyeon’s own, his sturdy body against himself. Sanghyuk was just a _boy_ , and Hakyeon took that advantage, just because he couldn’t control his feelings, letting his affection consume him.

 

Sanghyuk wanting a kissing lesson was like a slap to the face, realizing that the kid trusted him that much, betraying that faith by blatantly thinking about it – about pressing their mouths together and allowing Sanghyuk to explore him, tasting Sanghyuk’s hot mouth in return, and _liking_ the idea. Hakyeon couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks afterward, finding himself staring at Sanghyuk’s plush pink lips whenever he can, then catching himself and feeling sick to his stomach.

 

When Sanghyuk told him that he loved him, it took every bit of restraint in Hakyeon to keep him from tackling him to the floor and whispering the same words over and over against his lips. The selfish part of him wanted to believe that confession, and in some way he did, but it didn’t mean Hakyeon should’ve acted on it. Sanghyuk was so young, and he couldn’t have known what he wanted at that age. His future was bright then, and being with a guy five years his senior – be it the leader of his own group or a washed up idol has-been – wouldn’t have been fair or smart.

 

And Hakyeon was right. Sanghyuk turns out great, and Hakyeon still gets to admire him from afar – his beautiful shining starlight.

 

*

 

It’s been a particularly cold day, but Hakyeon’s sweating bullets anyway. He’s been helping out in the kitchen, only to get chased out by his father, telling him to just mind the front of the house. His mother wants him to stay put, worried that he’ll faint or something from how wrecked he looks. He hugs her and tells her he’s absolutely fine, he can still stay until closing time to help them. She tuts and hands a towel over, which he gratefully takes and dabs against his forehead and temples.

 

The front door jingles cheerfully to signal a new customer coming in, and Hakyeon turns around while still adjusting the black apron around his waist, mouth opened to welcome them. He chokes on air at the sight of the guy – _man_ , his brain supplies, because there’s no denying that little fact.

 

Sanghyuk had always been gorgeous. Maybe leaning more towards the cute side when they were training and working together, but beautiful nonetheless in Hakyeon’s eyes. Now he is simply breathtaking. Hakyeon has seen him on screen, of course, TV and cinemas, but getting to see him in person and up close now is making him lightheaded. Sanghyuk flicks his head to get the bangs out of his eyes before smiling at Hakyeon, and Hakyeon’s heart gives a dull thud before it’s speeding up so dangerously he’s scared he might keel over.

 

“Hello,” Sanghyuk says in that dulcet tone Hakyeon’s missed so much.

 

Hakyeon thinks he’s experiencing too much sensory input, and his stomach swoops as Sanghyuk’s smile widens into a grin, his eyes disappearing into crescents. “Sanghyuk,” Hakyeon manages, vaguely aware that he has to prop himself up against an empty table to stay upright. “What—”

 

“Oh, I’m on my way to Busan. Somebody recommended this place to me so I thought I’d stop by. I didn’t know you would be here,” Sanghyuk explains smoothly, shrugging his broad shoulders.

 

Of course. Sanghyuk’s here to eat. Because their restaurant is good. Not because he found out where Hakyeon is and wanted to see him. Of course.

 

“Oh! Look who’s here!” Hakyeon’s mother exclaims, rushing over to wrap Sanghyuk up in a hug.

 

Sanghyuk laughs, and greets her warmly, asking about his father politely and whether the two of them are healthy. Hakyeon’s parents had only met Sanghyuk a couple of times, but they’d taken a liking to him so fast that even _Hakyeon_ was dizzy for it. 

 

“It’s been a long time, hyung,” Sanghyuk says to him, breaking the terse silence between them.

 

“Yeah, it’s—” Hakyeon stops in his track, noticing the girl standing just slightly behind Sanghyuk. “I’m sorry. Please sit down, I’ll get your menu for you.”

 

They take their seats at the nearest table, and Hakyeon bustles around the busy restaurant to fetch them the menu. After ordering, Sanghyuk insists that he sits with them, just to catch up. Hakyeon’s suddenly aware of how shabby he must look – sweaty hair and semi-clean clothes, especially next to Sanghyuk with his sharply cut pea coat and pressed slacks.

 

“How have you been, hyung?” 

 

Hakyeon manages a weak smile. “I’m good. Been busy helping out here, as you can tell. I went back to school, finishing my masters degree right now, and hopefully start on my PhD soon. I’m staying in Busan, actually.”

 

“I know,” Sanghyuk says airily, adding on at Hakyeon’s slight surprise, “Binnie hyung told me.”

 

Hakyeon nods, eyeing the silent woman next to Sanghyuk. “So, you’re going to Busan for a vacation?”

 

“Yep,” Sanghyuk admits, his smile still so boyish despite his much manlier features. “I just wrapped up a movie and thankfully get a week of break before promotion starts on my last one.”

 

“Ah,” Hakyeon smiles knowingly, pitching his voice low. “Trying to spend some alone time away from the press, then?”

 

The girl splutters a little bit and Sanghyuk snorts, stifling his laughter. “Hyung,” he chokes out. “Don’t you recognize my sister?”

 

It’s Hakyeon’s turn to blush, hand reaching back to scratch at his neck, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. You’ve gotten so much prettier.”

 

She flushes even more and murmurs her thanks. Sanghyuk leans back on his chair and looks at Hakyeon from underneath his lashes, his lips puckered slightly. “Still such a sweet talker, Hakyeon hyung.”

 

Hakyeon doesn’t remember ever blushing so much in his entire life, and yet here he is, still so infatuated by one Han Sanghyuk. Before, he would have hug him or squish his face between his palms just to keep his feelings on a leash, and now his hands are twitching at his sides, knowing that it’s not an option anymore. This is no longer _his_ Sanghyuk.

 

The food arrives and they converse through the dinner, Sanghyuk telling him about meeting Wonshik again a few times at events and movie premieres, emailing Taekwoon about once every couple of months, chatting with Hongbin on kakaotalk. Hakyeon listens to him raptly, the lilt of his low voice almost lulling him. 

 

“Sorry,” Sanghyuk says after a while, glancing at his watch. “We have to get going now. Can I get your number? Maybe we can get together sometime this week and catch up some more.”

 

It all feels so _detached_ , but Hakyeon knows he shouldn’t expect anything more. He saves his number into Sanghyuk’s phone, escorts him to say his farewell to his parents and watches him leave with his sister, waving amicably before getting into a sleek silver Audi. It’s as if the day’s fatigue just catches up to him at once, and he collapses at a table near the entrance, feeling woozy and strangely empty inside.

 

*

 

Sanghyuk’s message comes two days later, Hakyeon’s phone pinging from next to his laptop, jolting him out of his paper-writing trance. He squints at the messenger alert before swiping right to read it.

 

_Hyung. Guess what I’m in the mood for now._

 

Hakyeon smirks, replying immediately. _Gopchang?_

 

:) _my treat?_

 

_I still don’t eat that…thing._

 

_Weirdo. It’s okay, I’ll buy you meat instead._

 

Hakyeon agrees gleefully, trying to convince himself that he’s just excited to be spending a night out having a nice dinner with good company instead of being cooped up in his empty apartment doing schoolwork. If he spends a little more time than necessary picking out an outfit, it’s just because he wants to look presentable as always.

 

His heart races in his chest and Hakyeon ignores it. He’ll be fine.

 

*

 

Sanghyuk’s swanky hotel suite is deserted when they step inside. His sister is out with her own friends, he tells Hakyeon, as he ushers him to sit in the lounge. He comes back with two steaming cups and sets one in front of Hakyeon.

 

“Since when do you drink tea?” Hakyeon asks, amused, as he watches Sanghyuk taking a sip from his own cup.

 

Sanghyuk shrugs. “Helps me sleep.”

 

Hakyeon wants to ask more, wants to know if Sanghyuk has trouble sleeping nowadays, and how difficult it is working on movies compared to what they used to do, if Sanghyuk had been happy while they were apart. But he doesn’t think it’s his place anymore, so he drinks his tea and lets the silence envelop them. They’ve never been this quiet before, and Hakyeon wonders if it’s because they have nothing left in common with each other. The thought hurts, and his hand shakes a little as he places his teacup back down.

 

“So what’s it like, being a TA?” Sanghyuk asks, looking at him from over the rim of his cup.

 

Hakyeon’s smile is automatic. “Great. You know how much I love teaching.”

 

Sanghyuk smiles, too, small but beautiful. “I know,” he says, low and almost secretive. “You know I missed you, right, hyung?”

 

Hakyeon’s taken aback by the sudden question, and he scrambles for a neutral response, hating the way his voice trembles. “I’ve missed you too. I miss all you guys. The only one I ever see anymore is Hongbin, when he drops by on his way to some fashion show or photoshoot. I saw Jaehwan, too, last year when he was on vacation, but that’s it—”

 

“You know what I mean,” Sanghyuk interrupts, his voice firm and deep. “What I said three years ago, that still remains, and I’m telling you this again right now.”

 

“Sanghyuk, I’m—”

 

The kiss feels as shattering as their first, soft and tender yet Hakyeon’s entire body shakes with fear, and he refuses to let himself enjoy it for a moment more. He doesn’t push Sanghyuk away this time, only moving back to break them apart, but the look he receives after is just as devastating as the past. 

 

Sanghyuk looks down, a shuddery noise of pain escaping him. “Still not good enough for you, huh.”

 

Hakyeon darts forward again, touching the back of his hand. “No! Hyukie, no. It’s not that I don’t – I love you very much, Sanghyuk. Of course I love you.”

 

“But not the way I love you,” Sanghyuk guesses, lifting his eyes. The look in them makes Hakyeon wants to give in completely, but he bites down on his tongue and holds on, because that’s the right thing to do.

 

He doesn’t deny it, slowly rising from the couch and starting to leave. “I’m sorry,” he says, almost a whisper, and not being able to hold himself back, he drags his fingers over the hair covering Sanghyuk’s eyes, pushing it back gently.

 

Sanghyuk moves into his touch, his eyes shut tight, and when Hakyeon walks away he breathes out, a choked sob that tears Hakyeon’s heart in shreds.

 

*

 

Hakyeon is focused only on the music – the rhythm and beats that drive his movement, everything around him a blur except for his reflection in the wall-to-wall mirror. He keeps the lighting in the studio dim, dancing for himself and himself only, letting his body take the reins. Dancing has always been freeing to Hakyeon, something he knows deep down he’s inherently good at, and he craves that sometime, when he feels too much like a failure.

 

He’s been feeling that way a lot lately.

 

So he dances, as much as his body can handle – muscles burning and lungs struggling – then he does it all over again. He never left that trainee mindset after all these years – practice, practice, practice and when you think you can’t take it anymore, practice it one more time.

 

“You’re still the best at that.”

 

Hakyeon startles at the intrusion, his heart beating a mile a minute before he registers the low tone and the tall silhouette framed in the near darkness. He has to take a few deep breaths before he can finally speak, and even then it comes out breathless. “Hyuk…what – how did you know to find me here?”

 

Sanghyuk shrugs, moving away from the doorway into the light. “A little bird told me you opened a dance studio on the side.”

 

“Hongbin,” Hakyeon mutters, head dropping between his shoulders. He’s drenched in sweat and Sanghyuk’s standing in front of him looking like a – well, movie star, and Hakyeon’s stomach drops at the realization. “What are you doing here?”

 

Sanghyuk looks down at him – and Hakyeon’s insides flutter shamelessly at how tall he is – coolly and quietly says, “You were lying. At the hotel, and back in the dorm. You lied then, too.”

 

“Sanghyuk,” Hakyeon sighs, tired from dancing and keeping up pretenses, especially when he knows how Sanghyuk can see through them all. The kid has always been too smart for his own good. “I had to say that to you. I love you, but we couldn’t. We can’t. I’m sorry.”

 

“Why not?” Sanghyuk demands, his voice pitched impossibly lower. There’s a trace of the old petulant Sanghyuk in it, and Hakyeon’s heart throbs pleasantly at that.

 

“You were too young. It was wrong. You didn’t even know what you wanted. You couldn’t possibly know.”

 

“I wasn’t stupid!”

 

Hakyeon keeps his calm, making sure that he doesn’t avoid Sanghyuk’s gaze, no matter how much he wants to. “I didn’t say that. You were underage. And I was the eldest, I had to protect you.”

 

“What about now?” Sanghyuk says, grabbing Hakyeon’s wrists in his big hands. “I’m twenty now, and you certainly don’t need to protect me anymore.”

 

“I know, but you’re still so much younger than me, and now you’re—”

 

“What?” Sanghyuk snaps, jaws squared and eyes hard as steel. “Stop making excuses, will you? If you don’t want me, at least have the nerve to own up to it. You’re a fucking coward, Hakyeon!”

 

The vulgarity and lack of honorific shock him, but he can’t find it in himself to be angry, if only because he can’t deny being a coward. This love he has for the boy standing before him is so immense it feels almost impossible, and he can’t even admit to it.

 

“Of course I want you, Sanghyuk,” he blurts, feeling like he’s doing the bungee jumping mission again, only Sanghyuk’s still holding on to his hands, and it’s the most comforting feeling he’s had for years. “I’ve always – I’ve always wanted you.”

 

“We can be together, hyung. I want to be with you so bad.”

 

It’s tempting, Sanghyuk’s argument, but the stubborn doubt at the back of his mind niggles at him. “I don’t know if – what if you only think that you’re in love with me? You might just love the idea of me, but—”

 

“Why is it so hard for you to trust me?” Sanghyuk yells, and Hakyeon trembles at the volume, echoing through the empty studio. “Why is it so difficult for you to believe that I’m in love with you because you’re amazing and kind and beautiful?”

 

Hakyeon makes the mistake of looking up into Sanghyuk’s face, because the honesty and the fire in his chocolate brown eyes are fast chipping away at the wall Hakyeon’s built around his heart. “I’m – I wasn’t sure if it was just hero worship or the fact that we practically lived in each other’s pockets, so.”

 

Sanghyuk’s look softens, his eyes hooded as he leans in closer. “We haven’t lived together for three years and there hasn’t been a day that pass by that I hadn’t wanted you. So what’s your excuse now?”

 

“Nothing,” Hakyeon breathes, heart pounding rapidly as their gazes lock. “Absolutely nothing.”

 

Sanghyuk’s lips crash into his so hard, Hakyeon would have toppled over if it isn’t for Sanghyuk’s arms secured around his waist. It’s urgent and arousing, and Hakyeon’s positively drunk from the lack of oxygen, the firmness of Sanghyuk’s body against his, the spicy smell of Sanghyuk’s cologne, and the taste of his tongue as he expertly tangles it with Hakyeon’s own. He dimly realizes Sanghyuk crowding him against the studio mirror, cupping his ass and hiking him up all in one smooth movement so Hakyeon has to cling to Sanghyuk with his legs around his hips. 

 

Sanghyuk releases his mouth just before Hakyeon passes out from the sensation, nipping at his jaw roughly. “Do you have CCTV or whatever in this place?”

 

“Why?” Hakyeon chuckles breathlessly, biting his bottom lip to keep from whimpering at how Sanghyuk’s sucking along his collarbones. “Afraid you’ll get caught on camera?”

 

Sanghyuk gives him a heated look, clutching his ass tighter. “I don’t want anyone else seeing you like this,” he growls, going back in to bite at an earlobe. “You’re mine now.”

 

Hakyeon _does_ whimper at that, and it dissolves into a string of broken moans and desperate pleas when Sanghyuk lays him out on the floor and strips them both, driving Hakyeon insane with his tongue and mouth and hands before he takes Hakyeon face-to-face, hips screwing into him fluidly. Hakyeon’s never had it like this before, bent almost in half and babbling about how good it feels and begging for more, and the fact that the face staring down at him and the lips praising him are Sanghyuk’s is enough to make him come, shooting so hard he shudders for long minutes after. Sanghyuk finishes with a soft cry, burying his face in Hakyeon’s neck as he repeats the same three words that make Hakyeon’s insides sing.

 

They share lazy kisses right there on the hard floor, and in the fuzzy lighting it almost feels like they’re back in their old practice room, and Hakyeon grins at the thought, reaching out to tangle their fingers together.

 

“Looks like you don’t need me to teach you how to kiss anymore, huh?” Hakyeon lightly teases, turning his head to face Sanghyuk.

 

His breath catches at the humorless look in Sanghyuk’s darkened eyes. “I’m always going to need you, hyung.”

 

Hakyeon flushes uncontrollably, and he ducks his head to hide it, heart jumping. Sanghyuk plays with his bangs, scooting closer, still. He feels Sanghyuk’s lips pressed against his forehead and it’s so intimate and reverent he trembles and feels his body heats up even more.

 

“You’re still so pretty when you blush,” Sanghyuk whispers, rubbing his thumbs across Hakyeon’s cheekbones. “I thought you’d outgrow it by now. Being so old and all.”

 

Hakyeon looks up to a smirk and he kicks out, barely grazing Sanghyuk’s shin. “I can still kick your ass, maknae.”

 

Sanghyuk hums, pulling Hakyeon close enough to force his face into the crook of his neck, holding it there. “I’ll let you do it if you kiss it better afterward.” 

 

“Gross,” Hakyeon groans, muffled against Sanghyuk’s throat. He playfully gnashes his teeth at the sharp bone there, but it turns into a love bite and Sanghyuk purrs happily at him for it.

 

He sees Sanghyuk’s interview on TV a couple of weeks later, somebody asking him about his time away in Busan, about what he took away from it.

 

_It was incredible. I had such a great time. I saw beautiful places and met wonderful people. I won’t tell you what I found, but let’s just say I’ll always carry it with me now, because it’s something I’m thankful for and love with all my heart. I never really lost it, but it wasn’t actually mine until that someone decided to share it with me._

 

There’s a chorus of oohs and ahhs but Sanghyuk fields off the questions expertly, beaming at the camera with all the ease in the world. Hakyeon’s phone buzzes next to him.

 

_Are you crying at how handsome I look on TV?_

 

Hakyeon scoffs. _Your head is still as gigantic and egg-shaped as it always has been. Weird._

 

_That hurts. I would take a jab at your height, but I’m not an asshole. So…what are you wearing right now?_

 

Hakyeon barks out a surprised laugh, rolling his eyes as he types. _Nothing, actually. I’m watching you on TV buck naked because I’m kinky like that._

 

Two seconds passed before his phone rings desperately, Sanghyuk’s ridiculous pouty face flashing for a video call request. Hakyeon snickers and lowers his shirt over one shoulder, baring his collarbone. Sanghyuk gets extra growly and possessive when Hakyeon teases him like this, but he doesn’t really mind.

 

It’s sort of his thing, being an annoying boyfriend.

@[tumblr](http://canbean.tumblr.com/)  



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